'Tis the Season

'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house

Not an apostate was stirring, not even a mouse.

The worldly socks were hung by the chimney with care.

In hopes that Satan's alter ego Santa would be there.

The dog was nestled all snug in his bed.

Not knowing Jehovah would hurl meteors from overhead.

And my partner in his snuggie, sitting upon my lap,

Had just settled down for a long winter's nap.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

Well I'll be godd**med, Armageddon is here!

With all of God's angels, flying hither and to,

I knew in a moment this world was screwed!

Angels from heaven, sent by Jehovah with love,

To bring death and destruction raining down from above!

"Now angels, my angels, go slaughter them all!

The children, the puppies, the old folks in malls!

The women, the kittens, and all those gays too,

For that's what a loving Creator would do!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,

I saw a red Hyundai full of nuns tumble by!

And out of the storming and screaming and frights,

Came a hailstorm of flaming meteorites!

They crashed into churches housing homeless asleep,

And into the IKEA at the end of my street.

They burned down the homes and my LA Fitness,

And crushed every last non-Jehovah's Witness.

And just when I thought I had witnessed all Hell,

The earth opened up, and in the rest of it fell.

But then I awoke. It was all but a dream!

The kind of things that make a J-Dubya cream.

I went back to sleep, so soft where I lay.

"Armageddon might come any day!"

At least that's what the Witnesses say...

But I will enjoy my Christmas with cheer.

For today I live without all that fear.

I say to the Witnesses (of love they've lost sight),

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."