If God wrote me an email...

Hey

I just wanted to drop a few lines and say hello. You may think this letter overdue, but hey, you know what they say... "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

First of all, this won't be a letter full of apologies, etc. Although there are a few things for which I'd like to make amends, I just want you to know how happy I am that you're moving along on this path-thing called life. I know it isn't always easy. Someday you'll look back on all of this and laugh. Really! You will. Trust me. Contrary to what some people may think, I really DO have a sense of humor. I know there are some really tragic things that happen in this world, but without giving too much away, suffice it to say that things aren't always what they seem.

Moving on.

Let me just get one apology out of the way first. You know by now that nothing happens by mistake, and that you're here on earth to learn a few things and then deliver a book report when you return but I just have to say I'm so sorry about that whole Jehovah's Witness thing. I mean, wow. I've got some pretty nutty followers, but they take the cake (not birthday cake, of course, Me forbid it be a birthday cake). I sat in a few of their "meetings" and I gotta tell ya, they were PAINFUL. No wonder you were bored. And their conventions? That's like going to the amusement park and the only ride operating is the log flume-- fun for a minute, but you're bored quickly and by the end have said "Well I'm not doing this again." That’s why I made purple cans of grape-flavored Shasta that they used to give away. You had to have something to look forward to during those long days. Then I heard about meetings once a year where someone provided the wine and a bunch of people showed up. Imagine how disappointed I was when I found out nobody could drink the wine!! If ever there was a group of people who just needed to knock back a couple and relax... Not to mention their version of the tortilla chip needed serious doctoring. And the going out door-to-door? Well if it was supposed to be like that, don't you think I would have gotten my followers a little more of a head start in the last 19 centuries or so? Just sayin'...

And the bit about not having an immortal soul? Where would I be without One?

As for when/if I'm coming back. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Some things just can't be explained or understood. At least not by your brain. It’s limited. Having the Watchtower Society corner the market on predictions about me and my plans would be as effective as your dog sitting at home predicting when you'll return from work and what you'll do with your evening. See how pointless that is? You just let me take care of what I need to take care of. And why on My green earth would I entrust a small group of elderly men to handle MY affairs? And from Brooklyn no less…

And I'm sorry about that whole "demon-possessed Smurfs jumping off the wallpaper incident." Like I care about the smurfs. I'm just sorry your toys were burned. You know, you may be able to find a replacement E.T. on Craigslist or something. Try eBay, if it still means that much to you. But really, it seems you recovered rather well from being a Witness.

This brings me to my next topic-- Satan. Let me just say that all of human history has not been some failed experiment or spitting contest with the neighborhood bully. Is there evil? You betcha. But if I'm supposed to be as all-knowing as people say I am, I'd have kicked his pointy tail a long time ago and just been done with the whole thing, assuming such a situation ever happened. Let's see if I understand this correctly, from the Witness perspective: I made Satan, Satan embarrassed me in front of everybody, now I owe an explanation to everybody (who, may I add, I made in the first place)... I'm supposed to simultaneously be feared by, and vindicated in front of, my own creation....

Now, as for me being wrathful and vengeful and mean and all that: You know, I've gone over this and over this and over this with people, but they just don't seem to get it: I am Love. Enough said. Earthlings have yet to definitively say what happens after their mortal death and they have yet to understand fully what love really is.

Whew! Got up on my proverbial soapbox for a second! I'm starting to sound all preachy.

I realize you may hold some resentment about the things that happened while you were involved with the Witnesses. Try and work through that as best you can and realize that your parents meant well-- they were younger than you are now and were just trying to put it all together with the tools they had available. Plus, they came of age during the sixties and seventies. That alone should warrant some compassion on your part.

And this warped sense of humor I gave you? May it serve you well. Many of your problems have arisen out of the repression of this incredibly sick, yet at the same time healing, wicked sense of humor I gave you. Yes, I gave you. So use it.

And I'm glad we can again have a relationship. I've missed you. You have some friends and family here who miss you, too. And they'll be waiting to see you when it’s your time. And by "your time" I mean when I come back at Armageddon and topple a skyscraper on top of you while you fall into a chasm in the earth with your hands in some weird, angry, cat-like pose like is often depicted in the Watchtower magazine.

Gotcha!

Be well, call me any time.

Much Love,

God